Hacked and 'Stolen' By Alice
by hoot13
Summary: There's a file on everyone, everywhere. But what happens when Alice decides to hack into the system and steals but also alters the files? 'ALICE! You evil, evil, bad, bad, Pixie'
1. Bella

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns twilight, not me.**

**A/N: Hi again! (I'm saying this to no-one in particular.) This is the Alice series which means that Alice will be hacking the files. But I'm been thinking of getting Emmett as the hacker too, so 'no worries, bro!'. Enjoy!**

* * *

The contents of this file is confidential. And may not be suitable for a younger audience- and in other words that means, if you're still in your mommy's tummy, you need to close this window. And does your mommy know you are even on the internet? You better not be looking at porn!

Anyway, this file can only be accessed by Personnel – what the hell is that?! – and if you are reading this file and you're not a member of this so called 'personnel', it must mean that this file has been stolen. But do not report your supplier to the FBI because we are all brothers and sisters here and really, who cares about this specific file? It hasn't got anything to do with Robert Pattison, who has been driving the female population of the world (and possibly the male's too), insane. And there is no way you can get _that_ file; somehow Orlando Bloom managed to nick it. Poor guy, he still thinks **Pirates of the Caribbean** is still running, even with the camera off. But I guess what they say is true after all: Brits stick up for each other. But **Harry Potter** and **Voldemort** don't count.

Anyway, shall we just get on with the file? (This is the main item of the file.)

Full Name: Isabella Marie Swan

Prefers to be called: Bella

Occupation: Human (but not for long!)

Age: 18

Source of Education: Forks High

Location: Forks, Washington, U.S.A

Parents: A Cop (who needs a belt from this century!) and a pretty woman with brown hair.

Siblings: None (but wait till she changes!)

Hobbies: Reading. Falling when she's not reading. Sleeping when she's not falling. Eating and drinking when she's not sleeping. Going to school when she's not eating and drinking (is that even possible?). And fainting over Edward Cullen AT School. And if only shopping was on the list…

Favourite Item of Clothing: Whatever Alice Cullen (that cute girl!) gives her.

Appearance: Let Alice Cullen decide, honey.

Quotes done by Bella:

'Alice is one cool chick. We went shoppin- Aaaah! I'm okay, I'm okay. It doesn't hurt at all, really… Oww!'

'Jacob, you stink! If you washed yourself as much as you ate (you greedy pig!), you might actually smell okay.'

'Edward. Edward. Edward. Wait, what's your name again?'

'Stop controlling my emotions, Jasper! Do you want me to show you the horny side of me? Or do you want me to go streaking around Forks?! I'll do it, you know. All I have to do is step outside; I'm not wearing any clothes, remember?'

'Hey, Alice! I really appreciate what you've done for me. And for Edward. And also for Charlie. Maybe, you can also do Renee and Phil. I know, why don't you do the entire goddamn baseball…_thing_?! But seriously, how can I repay you?'

'Charlie, why don't you get Alice to design your uniform? She'll do you really cheap! No? She'll do you for free! NO?! Listen here, buddy, you better say yes or that moustache will go where it belongs…in the eighties!'

'Alice, your gift is sooooooooooo cool! And Jasper is sooooooooooo handsome. And you two are sooooooooooo perfect for each other. And I give you my permission to punch Edward when he refuses to go shopping!'

* * *

(Somewhere in the back.)

Note from Alice:

Hi guys! As you can see, I have hacked and 'stolen' Bella's file. But don't worry, it's where it should be- on Edward bookshelf! And this isn't the last you've heard from me! Oh, yes! I'll be doing Emmett next and that'll be much meaner and funnier than this!

Note from Bella:

ALICE! You evil, evil, bad, bad, Pixie! How could you do this to me?! And how could I ever possibly forget Edward's name? You are truly evil! Why couldn't you have done Rosalie or Jasper? Or Mike Newton- ugh!

To those of you who have read this prank: please ignore all the weird stuff that has been mentioned in here. I am not like that! It's all Alice Cullen and SAVE YOURSELF! SHE MAY GO AFTER YOU! FLUSH YOUR FILE DOWN THE TOILET AND THEN GET YOUR DOG TO EAT IT! IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG, EAT IT YOURSELF! AND IF YOU'RE A VAMP***, SPIT ON IT AND SEND IT TO THE VOLTURI IN ITALY! BUT IF YOU GET A DEATH SENTENCE, GOOD LUCK!

P.S. Send me a copy of Emmett's **new** file.

Another note from Alice:

Ignore Bella's warning, she fell down the stairs, got a paper cut, kissed Edward Cullen which caused her to faint and somehow drowned in the sink. So she's really moody. And if any of you don't know what the Volturi are, it's a chicken factory. And a death sentence means a chicken with the Swine Flu. Beware!

* * *

**A/N: Did you guys enjoy that? Hope so. Anyway, if someone actually read this (fingers crossed) please tell if you actually want Alice to hack Emmett's folder. But beware, the Simpsons, pink tutus and maybe a female Disney character MIGHT be included. Yeah, I'll have to do my research. LOL!**


	2. Emmett

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns twilight, not me.**

* * *

The contents of this file is confidential. And may not be suitable for people who are actually aliens coming from the new Harry Potter movie (I know! What is up with that?!) and are planning to eat everyone's wands. So, you normal people out there with wands, yeah, hide them. Before Voldie (Voldemort) rings the doorbell and breaks them over Bellatrix's knees. I should know people, he did it to me! And then ate all of my clothes! Couldn't he have eaten Bella's clothes at least?!

Anyway, this file can only be accessed by Personnel – I finally know what it is! – so enjoy, my Personnel brother and sisters out there.

Full Name: Emmett Borat McCarty.

Prefers to be called: The Local Town Idiot.

Occupation: To beat up Borat whenever he chases Pamela Anderson.

Age: Ask Homer Simpson.

Source of Education: Disney Channel.

Location: Don't have a map.

Parents: Basically, everyone in the world.

Siblings: That blonde from the Brady Bunch Family.

Hobbies: ……………………………………………

Favourite item of clothing: A pink tutu he got for Christmas. Wears it _everywhere_.

Appearance: Go to a zoo and you'll find out.

Size: Makes Homer Simpson look like a size zero.

Bedtime: After he has his milk and cookies.

Quotes done by Emmett:

'It's nice.'

'You wanna piece of this?! Hey punk! You wanna piece of this?! Oh sorry, sir, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that stupid wall!'

'I know what one plus one is! Wait, give me a minute.'

'Ha ha ha aha ha ha aha!'

'We're so gonna kick your ass……Uh, what are we supposed to be doing? I forgot.'

'What's the difference between Coke and Diet Coke? You Humans baffle me.'

"I'm Borat, Carlisle's Bruno and Jasper's Ali G. Edward can be that bald guy.'

* * *

(Somewhere in the back.)

Note from Alice:

Finally! Emmett's done. And I can't believe I had to move the whole file, including Bella's, to under Edward's bed. Jeez, that was such a hassle.

Note from Bella: 

Lol! This is so funny! And since when did Edward have a bed?

Note from Alice:

For a long time… Oh, and I would appreciate it from what we are, we should be called Tomatoes. O.K?

Note from Bella:

Umm, okay. But that means from what I am, I should be called…..Hedgehog. Ok?

Note from Alice:

O.K!

Note from Emmett:

You guys are bullies! I can't believe you did this to me! And my middle name is not Borat! I don't even like the guy! He reminds me of Chief Swan!

Note from Bella:

Excuse me? Watch, you're getting licks.

Note from Emmett:

Oh shut up tiny person. Don't think that because I'm stupid doesn't mean that I am stupid.

Note from Bella:

……

Note from Alice:

????

Note from Emmett?

Wait, Edward has a bed?

Note from Alice:

Duh!

Note from Emmett:

What does that mean? You doughnuts confuse me!

Note from Alice:

We're tomatoes. And so are you!

Note from Emmett:

Oh! Can't we be Pasta?

Note from Alice:

No! The Jury has spoken.

Note from Emmett:

O.k, o.k. Keep your eyelashes on. But does Edward seriously have a bed in his room?


End file.
